Snowshoee - In Memoriam
Photograph by Eric M. Martin
Quando eu partir...
When I leave...
Há pessoas que não têm
esta oportunidade de se despedirem daqueles que mais gostam. Eu tenho.
Sofro de uma doença
que necessita de transplante cardíaco…pode não aparecer doador… pode
aparecer doador mas eu posso não sobreviver à dura batalha
que vem a seguir… aconteça o que acontecer, se estiverem a ler estas
palavras, é porque já cá não estou… Custa escrever
estas coisas, mas o apoio que tive de tanta gente foi tão grande
que era impossível não deixar umas últimas palavras
a agradecer. Lamento se vos desiludi, lamento se fui fraca… Talvez tentei
parecer forte quando afinal não era…
Some people never get the chance to say goodbye to the ones they love. I have that chance. I have a condition that requires a heart transplant... a donor may not show up... a donor may show up but I might not survive the subsequent battle... whatever happens, if you are reading these words, then I'm no longer here... Writing this is hard, but I've had the support of so many people that I can't not leave some last words of gratitude. I'm sorry if I let you down, I'm sorry if I was weak... Maybe I was trying to look strong when I really wasn't...
My last wish was to be cremated, I hope it will be so. Why graves? Holes in the ground? Such hard moments to witness... Not to mention the space they take up, with so many people dying every day... Flowers? Those things are for the living... Pretty words by the headstone? Those words should be said while people are alive.
I understand this may be a morbid post, but I've been thinking of writing these things for a while... I had already asked C. for this big favor. I'm sorry, but you can always choose not to read...
What else is there to say? Live life, there is no happiness, only happy moments... as for those... well, breathe, smell, feel, photograph, don't lose them or forget them.
2006 was the year they discovered my dilated miocardiopathy. I had no idea what that was... I was unemployed and decided to take some time for myself, I enrolled in a gym... That's when I realised I was extremely tired. It wasn't normal. I did manage, however, to have a nearly normal year... except for my dream of renting an apartment.
2007 had very high moments and very low moments. In March I started dating C., the most amazing person I've ever met, with whom I've learnt a lot, that has done everything for me, that really loved me. I wish you all things good, for you deserve the best in life. Always sincere, outspoken, honest, friendly, understanding... I could go on writing for ever. I have loved you, I love you and I will always love you wherever I am now. In May things got worse, but I still had a decent summer. In September I had the kidney stroke and was hospitalised in Barreiro. I went through things I'd rather not talk about. In October I lost Jimmy, my kitten... And from then on it was a slippery slope, up to arriving at Santa Marta Hospital, on December 31.
2008 was a sad year, in which I lost people I liked very much: Ricardo, Fernando, Marisa e João. O lost Akira, my beloved little pig. I spent over 2 months in hospital in Lisbon, for months I could only move in a wheelchair and hardly left home... E July I improved dramatically and was able to spent a weekend out in a hotel and dive in a swimming pool. I was able to go to the beach and wet my feet. I was able to go to McDonald's, walk a little, go to the café and have some snails... You think it's trite, right? But when you spend a year without any of this, you can't imagine how they make you feel good and weep with joy... We value life trmendously... nature... the sea, the wind, the rain, the flowers... even driving... In August everything got worse and worse, and now here I am in December, writing this...
In conclusion, I want to thank you all, without naming anyone, for that would be unfair... You are too many. And each of you knows in their own way how much they loved me. But I thank my parents for their support, of course. Things have been complicated between us, but I know you loved me just as I loved you. Cláudio... I have no words to thank all you've done for me. And, no matter what you say, no one else would have done it. And I know you don't like me to thank you, but it's the last time: THANK YOU!
Oh, a few more last requests, OK? Fight for the animals, fight for people, fight for this world that doesn't seem to be a World anymore. Must we really be the worse race on the face of the Earth?
Lots of kisses to everyone!
Tânia Vanessa Silva Maia 10-10-1982 27-03-2009
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